I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going. Half the time I’m not too sure who my friends are or who my enemies are. I don’t know where anyone fits into my life or where I fit into theres. This isn’t going with the flow. This is being lost. Completely and utterly lost and I have no idea where I’m going, in fact I can’t even understand where I’m coming from.
Sometimes I sit in my room and try to think about what my life was and what it is and what it will be. But I cannot fathom it. I can’t even dream about a wedding or a house or a family because I haven’t the foggiest notion of how anything will turn out, or how I want it to turn out. Perhaps everyone is in that rut, after all no one can predict the future. But I don’t have any sense of security. And that thought is terrifying. That I could fall and shatter and I wouldn’t have friends or family to help pull me together. It would be all me, by myself. But isn’t that kind of like now?
Theres too much to think over. Where do I put all my thoughts?
I look back on life without regret. It’s far too easy to mistake nostalgia or daydreaming as regret. Of course I have not led a perfect life, nor am I leading one now, nor will I ever lead one. Making mistakes is part of living life to the fullest. Learning from them is how you know you have grown and matured.
Never blame anyone else for something you wish was different. No one ever really knows what they’re doing. People don’t realize the immensity of the impact their actions can have on you.
At the end of the day, look back on the past with a critical appraising eye and look to the future with hope and an open mind. When you allow yourself to simply exist and do what you desire regardless of what others will say or think, that is when you can start living.
I just realized this post is such a #yolo post. sigh.
I’ve thought about it a lot. About what I did. What I lost. What it meant. And I’ve realized that I’ve actually lost very little. I hardly cared when it happened. I still don’t.
The other one helps me take my mind off of him. Silly, Fiend helping me deal with Flag. But let’s be real here, I like Fiend more anyway.
This is terrible. How can I be so nonchalant about this? How can it matter so little? I’m literally not me anymore. What happened?
This week has been amazing. Hands down, every single day, nothing has been able to bring me down. Just… spending time with these people. Talking to them, playing around and joking. I haven’t been this happy since before November started.
Last time I was this happy, I was scared. Scared that I’d lose it. And I did lose it. A little. This time, I’m scared for the same reason again. But also fear of rejection. Again.
Heh mood swings much nida?
I feel… so good today. Abe has that general effect on people. He just makes them feel better by being around them. I’m glad that we’ve become friends this year. I need more people around that can bring happiness to me. But I’m concerned about this friendship. Not sure where I’ll end up. Physically (literally) and emotionally lol.
Also, I think I’m in the clear with Silver. If I’m not… then fuck. But I’ve been noticing Spike more lately. Marley likes him too. He’s a really good guy. Marley go talk to him. Get him over her so that I can have him. *not bitchy or anything of me…*
Overall. I’m glad I have you Merebear. You make everything better. Always. And I’m so happy that you’re happy. Your smile is radiant and your eyes glow. <3
And here comes the close to a four day weekend.
Another few days gone from my life. Another few precious moments wasted.
This break was in fact just that- a break. As if life was paused for a little while and I could just sit down and mull over everything for a bit. Come to understand some people. Come to terms with some of my inner thoughts. Realize that I have to be patient. Understand what I have to do in life. Realize who real friends are and who passing acquaintances are. Learn to listen and speak when needed.
Nothing happened these four days. But it feels like something did.
Somehow, today managed to be amazing until about an hour ago. And there was only one other thing today that made me upset, and that was resolved. So now it’s just the one thing. But fuck it. Let’s focus on the nice things shall we?
It was the most WIN day of all re: hugs-
Josh (fuzzy hairrrr)
Jonas (don’t even get me started)
Also, I have still no idea what the hell is happening with Meep. But he’s doing okay which is good. He’s… not a bad guy. He’s just made bad decisions and had a messed up life. But he’s so sweet. I need to learn to stop being surprised by his mood swings. And I also have to work a little harder to get to him. But I don’t mind, because even I do have to do a bit more for him, I know he’ll meet back with me somewhere near the middle eventually. Also he still tastes really sweet.
Today, I feel good.
I feel like I have some control back over things.
Like the things that went wrong weren’t so important after all.
It’s going to be okay in the end.
Always remember: Move on, let go.
Get ditched, lost, lied to, ignored, avoided, confused, over emotional, mistreated.
Cried, yelled, sighed, drew, wrote.
Ranted, rambled, pondered, mulled over, over analyzed.
Bitch, friend, heart breaker, attention whore.
Needy, possessive, attached, scared, trusting, emotional, lost, confused, hated, loved, trusted, stupid, deceived.
My days ladies and gentlemen.
Today is the day for two important things.
1. Sending out two college apps.
2. Alex Jin.
Though Alex is certainly the more important of the two. I want to help him. I don’t know that I can. I wish I could. I wish I could understand what he says and I think I’ll be able to understand later. Not now. I don’t know him well enough. I don’t know the people he knows. I don’t know what’s happening. It worries me, but I’m glad I get to be here for him. I’m glad for him that he lets me listen.
We’ll see. I hate it when life doesn’t work out for the people who deserve it most.
He’s so attractive. The people that I find attractive would never like me back because though I have high standards, I don’t meet those standards myself. I’m not the pretty girl, or the hot one, or the attractive one, nor do most people find me fun or amusing since most people don’t know me. But someone that attractive wants me. That seems so crazy to me. It still feels like it’s not happening. That someone who looks like him, wants someone who looks like me. ME.
I don’t know what to think.
I don’t trust him. Or myself.
I don’t want to date him. I know I’m not going to fall for him. He’s not the kind of person I would ever want to have a relationship with. Not to mention that were both deathly terrified of commitment.
I feel… wanted. And that’s more than I’ve ever felt before. And it makes me nervous, but so happy.
haven’t done a daily post in a while. sorry about that. so last time, I introduced you to Luke. Well, now, you should meet his other half, Tom. Those two are inseparable. In fact Luke refused to come ice skating with me if I didn’t invite Tom. Which was quite awkward cause at the time… I didn’t exactly know Tom…
But now I know him. And there are two upsides to that…
1. His hugs (are so freaking amazing)
2. His cologne. Omfg it smells so good. It makes me want to swoon.
To every male out there, don’t under estimate the power of a small dab of good cologne.
Today I have someone new to trust.
So tumblr, I introduce you to Luke.
He’s like me. Silly. Awkward. Loving. Caring. A listener.
I’ve barely known him a month but I feel that I can trust him. I feel it. I haven’t felt quite the same with anyone before. Not that immediately.
I’m going to let him read my Moleskine journal. I haven’t let anyone else read it before. Maybe he’ll think it’s girly and boring, and full of random issues of teen angst. But I don’t care. I’m starting to learn that I should share more. And this is one more step to finding more people that I can rely on to share things with.
I hope he’ll stay around. People have a habit of leaving me behind.